It’s not the same for every woman

My boyfriend and I love life. We’ve been together for almost 6 years. We have had some amazing times together and many memories. We’ve always been very careful when it came to making love but just 2 weeks ago I peed on a home pregnancy test and it came back very positive.

It was a shock.

I just stood there with the test shaking in disbelief. I’ve gone all these years without getting pregnant and then all of a sudden I’m standing on my bathroom floor trying to figure out who to tell.

After a few minutes, I grabbed the phone and called one of my sisters. She just asked if I was I sure and what was I going to do. I live with another one of my older sisters and my mom lives in the next state. So, I finally took a deep breath and went downstairs to show my sister the positive test. She was not mad and was very supportive. She started telling me what steps I should take next, like calling an OB-GYN and getting prenatal vitamins.

I decided I would tell my boyfriend, Corey*, when I saw him the next weekend, but the next day on the phone, I could not keep it in. I just had to tell him.

Corey was in disbelief for a long time, then got very quiet. I could hear him trying to cover up his sniffing from his tears.

At first I was very happy VERY happy for the first 3 days I knew I was pregnant, but then reality set in and it really hit me: I was going to have a baby and my life was going to completely change forever. I broke down and started crying for the first time. The next day I cried more and each day after that got worse. By the time the weekend arrived, I was completely depressed.

Corey said we would get married, move in together, and have the baby, but I knew it wasn’t what he wanted and neither did I. I love that man so much and I would never want him to do something he did not want to do.

My depression got worse and worse in the next week and I started thinking of suicide. Finally, Corey and I talked about our options and decided it was best if we didn’t keep it. We just weren’t ready to have a child. We still had a million things we wanted to do before a child.

I called a clinic and made my appointment. Corey is taking me and going to pay for it.

I’ve cried about it, not because I’m not sure it’s what I want, but because it’s a very hard thing to do. However, I am very happy to know women have a choice. Some may call it selfish, cruel, or even evil, but it’s not the same for every woman.

Depression is not a pretty thing nor is it safe. This is what my pregnancy brought to me.

Corey and I are still very much in love. I’m very scared about this appointment, but I know I’m doing what’s best for US. I know my child will return to God and will one day forgive me. He/she will have a better life up there then I could ever give down here.

I have hope I will return to being happy and well again, all because I have this choice. And for that I am thankful.

— Mallory*

*Names have been changed to protect the author’s privacy. This story was submitted to NAF through our Patient Partnership Program. You can share your abortion care story here